Restoring What You Damaged

"Behold, Lord, the half of my goods I give to the poor. And if I have defrauded anyone of anything, I restore it fourfold." — Luke 19:8

Brother — the Zacchaeus story is a curious one for a fight against pornography, until you slow down on it.

A man encounters Jesus. He is forgiven. He is welcomed. He is made new. And his very next move — without anyone asking him — is to make restitution to everyone he has cheated. Not because he was earning his salvation. Because the salvation he received made him want to.

That is a clue.

Real freedom from sexual sin will, in many cases, eventually walk you toward restitution. Not as a precondition for being forgiven. You are already forgiven. As a fruit of being a new man.

What does restitution look like in this fight? It depends. With prayer and with your team's counsel, it may look like:

• A full disclosure to your wife, in the right setting and at the right time, with a counselor present. Many men in this work eventually do this. Most of us, when we first confess, only confess the easy 30%. There is a 70% your wife does not yet know. Coming to the place where you can tell her the rest — supported by your group, walked through by a counselor — is one of the hardest and most freeing actions in this work.
• An apology to a wife you injured years ago, even one you are no longer married to. Not for restoration of the relationship. For ownership of what you did.
• An apology to a woman you used. Often through a brother or counselor first, to discern whether direct contact is wise. Sometimes it is. Sometimes it would re-wound her; in that case, the work is done before God instead.
• Repayment of money you spent on sites, subscriptions, escorts, gambling. Out of your own income, into your marriage or into the kingdom — by giving the equivalent to ministry that helps the men and women caught in this industry get out.
• Repair of damaged things in your kids' world. The dad who was emotionally absent for ten years sitting his teenager down and saying "I owe you an apology for the years I checked out, and I want to be present now."

A few rules for restitution:

• Do not do this alone. The temptation to either dump everything inappropriately, or to skip the work entirely out of fear, is strong. Your team and a counselor see what you cannot.
• Do not do this for the response. You do not get to control how she receives it. You do not get to decide what restitution will lead to in the relationship. You do the right thing because it is right; God handles the outcome.
• Some restitution is direct, some is to God alone. Not every wound from twenty years ago needs to be re-opened with the wounded person. The Spirit will guide.
• Do not delay forever. The brother who decides to "do it eventually" is the brother who does not do it. Set a date. Tell your team the date. Be accountable to it.

Zacchaeus did not negotiate his restitution. He named it the same day. The salvation he received compelled it. The same Spirit is in you, brother. He may be asking you to write a list this week. Listen.