Forgiving Those Who Wounded You

"For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you, but if you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses." — Matthew 6:14–15

Brother, this is the week some men quit the work — and the week other men finally break through.

If you have done the wound work we talked about in February, you have a list. The father who was absent. The mother who was over-attached. The uncle who touched you. The coach who broke you. The pastor who shamed you. The boys who bullied you. The girlfriend who used you. The wife who has wounded you back. Some of these names you can say easily. Others you have not been able to say even to yourself.

Jesus is asking you to forgive every name on that list.

I want to be very careful with you. There are six things forgiveness is not, and you need to hear them before we go further.

Forgiveness is not:

• Saying it didn't happen. It did. Don't gaslight yourself.
• Saying it didn't matter. It did. Some of it shaped a decade of your life.
• Saying they don't owe you anything. Often they do. You are choosing not to collect.
• Reconciliation. Forgiveness is one party's work. Reconciliation requires two. You can forgive a man you will never speak to again.
• Trust restored. Forgiveness is free. Trust is earned. Different category.
• Saying you weren't really hurt. You were.

Forgiveness IS:

• A choice to release the debt the person owes you.
• A choice to stop carrying the weight of the wound forward into your present.
• A surrender of your right to revenge — handing it instead to the Father, who is the only just judge and who will deal righteously with everything.
• A breaking of the chain that tied you to that person.

You have been chained to some of these people for thirty years. You think about them when you don't want to. You react to your wife the way you react to your mother. You parent your son the way your father parented you. You are still in their grip. The forgiveness work breaks that grip.

How to do this work — slowly, and ideally with a counselor or a trusted brother walking you through it:

1. Make the list. Specific names. Specific wounds.
2. Sit with the Holy Spirit and one name at a time. Pray: "Lord, I have carried this against [name] for [how long]. I do not want to carry it anymore. In the name of Jesus, I forgive [name] for [the specific wound]. I release the debt. I hand the judgment to You."
3. Tell one brother you did the work. Especially if you cried. Some of you are about to.

For the brothers carrying childhood sexual abuse: I want to add a specific note. The work above is real and freeing — and you may need a Christian counselor in the room with you when you do it. Some of these wounds are too heavy to forgive in your living room alone. Get help. There is no shame in the help. There is freedom on the other side of the work.

Forgive, brother. Not for them. For you. For the chain to come off.