February 13, 2026
A Word for the Wives — From Amber
Bryan asked me to write to the women whose husbands are walking this road. I want to say a few honest things to you, sister, that you may not have heard yet.
"Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word." — Ephesians 5:25–26
Sister, this is Amber. Bryan asked me to speak to you directly today.
I want you to know up front: I have been where you are. Caught in the second affair. Reading text messages I should never have had to read. Sitting in counseling sessions where my husband was the addict and I was apparently supposed to be the supportive one. So when I write this, it is not from a stage. It is from the same kitchen table you are sitting at.
A few honest things.
Your pain is real. Some Christian books on this topic talk to wives like our job is to be patient and pray and not feel the betrayal too acutely. That is not biblical, and it is not honest. Pornography is a betrayal. Discovery is a trauma. You are not overreacting. You are responding correctly to a real wound. Grieve it. Name it. Let yourself be angry. Tell the Father about it.
You are not the cause. Whatever the addict in your house has told you — if you were more, if you weighed less, if you had been more available — you are not the cause. He developed this pattern, in most cases, before he ever met you. It is not because of you. It will not be cured by you. You did not break this and you cannot fix it.
Your healing is its own work. Some of you are pouring everything into helping him recover and have not yet started your own healing. Sister, you also need a sister. You also need a counselor. You also need a women's group where the betrayed wives are honest with each other. The B.O.L.D. women's circle exists for exactly this. Find one. Get in one.
You can love him in the Spirit even when you cannot stand to love him in the flesh. I had to learn this hard. There were months where the affection was gone and I did not pretend otherwise. But I made the choice every morning to love him the way God loves him — to see him as a son the Father was rescuing, not as the man who had failed me. That choice was not feelings. It was obedience. The feelings came back later, slowly, by grace.
Boundaries are not unforgiveness. You can forgive him fully and still require him to sleep on the couch for a season. You can forgive him fully and still ask his phone be on the kitchen counter at night. You can forgive him fully and still ask for full disclosure to your counselor. Boundaries protect both of you. They do not contradict the gospel.
Some marriages do not survive this. I have to tell you that, because you have to hear it. Sometimes — even when you have done everything right — the man does not turn. In those cases, the gospel still holds you. The Father is still your Father. You are not abandoned, even if your husband chooses the cave. Lean into community. Seek wise counsel. Trust Him with what you cannot control.
I am praying for you tonight, sister. You are seen.
— Amber Stewart